just what the doctor ordered

this really is just what the doctor ordered. family time.

there is no time for grief with a little one about, and i'm thankful for that. that's not to say i'm not grieving, but having caleb's needs at the forefront has brought about a beautiful side-effect. everytime i feel as though i may just burst into tears right there on the spot, i replace those thoughts with a happy memory of my nana. you know what? it's working. it has me thinking of things that i've not thought about in years. it makes me happy. happy for those memories.

we've laughed so much these past few days which at times feels odd, but i know my nana would be happy about this.

caleb has been cracking us up with his oh so serious face at the zoo's play park. i mean have you seen that boy's face coming down the slide?? eh and lets not talk about mine ;)

oh and we're also learning to have eyes in the back of our heads. take your eye of him for a second and he's off. picnickers beware, if you leave your sandwich unattended...hell if you've got your sandwich in your hand just not in your mouth yet, you better watch out for caleb!

caleb, my boy. you are the best distraction a girl could ask for.

*thank you so much for all the lovely and thoughtful comments on sunday's post. the support we have received is so appreciated. this little blogging world is something else and so are you :)

when you're not the strong one

you think that with you being the parent, you are the one that is there to comfort, nurture and protect. that it is you that will always be strong for this little person who is so small and fully dependant on you. then something happens and it is indeed you who is comforted by them.

i planned a long overdue trip to see one of my closest friends this week. it was an amazing week of long chats that weren't rushed or squeezed into a five minute phone call. we watched our boys play together and laughed at the thought of did we ever imagine ourselves here and this grown up.

we left michael back at home under a sea of school reports and which he joked, a week of sleep. being so deprived of sleep i think he relished the idea of some time to himself, but like all things, as soon as you get what you think you want you realise it's not what you wanted at all. so i made sure to send michael the above pictures to cheer him up and let him know we were not forgetting about him. even from afar caleb was the one comforting his daddy and making him smile.

whilst at my friends i received awful news. the type of news that hits you right in your gut, taking the wind from your sails and leaving you stranded.

my nana, only had a few days left to live.

she had been diagnosed last month with cancer, which we had been assured was treatable. i suppose with the nature of the disease, there are no guarantees.

luckily my friend lives in leeds so i was much closer to liverpool than had i been in edinburgh. i immediately booked train tickets for first thing in the morning. now had i been on my own i think i would have been a wreck, but i was not, i had caleb. my sweet caleb, who as if he knew, was perfect on the train sitting in his pram holding my hand (a new thing of his and most welcomed by his mama) and as we got closer to liverpool i took him out of his pram to stand up to look out of the window. such joy as he saw the world rushing past. made me smile and get lost for a minute in his simple pleasures.

saying goodbye to my nana has got to be one of the hardest things i have ever done. she was a woman with such strength, even towards the very end she was insisting she wanted to get out of bed because she had things to  do. i made her promise me to lie down and rest, to which she finally agreed. only on the condition she get up tomorrow (today). i said yes, of course she can get up tomorrow if she rests just now. she stayed true to her word. she passed away early this morning. she is no longer stuck in that horrible bed. she has indeed got up, somewhere.

as i kissed her and said goodbye yesterday. not a dramatic i'll never see you a again goodbye. just a simple i love you goodbye. she opened her eyes and told me she loved me too and said what she always said to me as i was leaving. goodnight and god bless.

i knew that would be the last time i would see her. my sister and i left the ward with raw hearts and eyes swollen from a sea of tear, to be met by mum (who in her own grief was still our tower of strength) and nathan. my crazy, cute, wonderful nephew charging towards us shouting 'mummy' to my sister. we instantly smiled. we were then joined by michael (god i love that husband of mine) and caleb who as soon as he saw us all, beamed. 

i have never been more thankful for those four faces. especially those two littles. instead of us languishing in our grief and anger of the unfairness of it all. they made us smile and share the happy stories of such an amazing woman. i wonder if they'll ever realise the strength they provided us with when they are only so small?

i'm so pleased they knew you, nana and they brought you as much joy as us.

we love you.

we miss you.

goodnight and god bless.

this little wall part 2

so there i was taking pictures of my cute boy (shamelessly biased) and there it was in the background. my pet hate. exposed plugs and wires. there's things in life that irrationally bug me and boy is this one of them.

seeing this above picture prompted me to get this tula moon print of the liver buildings framed...

this was a christmas present from my mum. i love it so much and have been meaning to find the right frame for it for ages. this is my mum all over, i've never mentioned to her that i like tula moon pictures but as soon as she saw the print she knew i'd love it.

steph dekker, the talent behind tula moon, is inspired by vintage and retro fabrics and all things patchwork. my kinda gal.

if you've seen this post you'll know i'm quite partial to a picture wall and that i like them to tell a bit of a story.

so my next addition to this little wall...

yes a brown paper bag.

but...

this is no ordinary brown paper bag (to my brit readers insert the m&s advert's voiceover here ;) 

this is a new york zara brown paper bag.

this is when i think you don't need to spend a fortune on the pictures you have around your home. if they mean something to you and you love them, then in my book that's the perfect type of art to have covering once bare and unloved walls.

lastly i dug out these two thrifty finds...

these were hiding at the bottom of a suitcase of pictures in one of my local charity shops. i thought they were lovely but what sold me was the fact they had sauvignon blanc and pinot noir on them, which were the wines we had at our wedding. perfect.

lastly we bought a new lamp and i disguised the plug and wires with some magazines and books. in your face plug and wires!!

everyone place your bets how long they stay put with caleb about ;) strangely he's not shown a bit of interest so far.

and the end result...

a week in this little house

this little guy has been....

>>> starting his days at 5.30am. what happened to 7.30am wee man?? ah those were the days.

>>> mastering the art of sitting down from standing up, and what a technique you have. you hold on 

       to whatever piece of furniture you've yanked yourself up on then you bend down from the waist            placing one hand on the floor, bum in air, other hand down and then plonk! cracks us up everytime.

>>> enjoying his first time in a sand pit. it took a whole 5 minutes before the sand was in your mouth.

        i was impressed!

>>> showing us who is boss when for a little giggle we decided to give caleb a sour gum. ya know just 

        to see what his reaction who be. cruel i know but there's got to be some sort of payback for the

        5.30am rises ;) a shudder or a wince you may wonder? nope. ate the whole thing without flinching

        then came back for more. that will teach us. caleb. boss.

it's been a tough old week. lack of sleep really messes with your mind. thing seem to be settling down though  and getting back to normal in this little house or at least here's hoping.

but who are we to complain when we've got our boy smiling back at us. i love the above picture, we all had a right giggle together having dinner and being stupid. you should have seen mine and michael's hair ;)

i love this little family. even on no sleep.

Friday!!!! :)

hello friday! what took you so long?? lets start off with a song shall we, get everyone in the mood. this is my new 'i will play it till i kill it' song. i love it when you get a song that gives you a surge of energy, and this tired mama has needed it. i have pretty much been singing this in my head at work all day, well lets hope in my head!

>>> here's to a weekend of two sets of hands on deck. oh and sleep, that is what people do in the dead
       of the night isn't it??

>>> more one year old celebrations :)

>>> babysitting for a sweet, sweet girl...who sleeps through the night. told you caleb, all the cool kids
       are doing it :)

>>> lots of chilling with my boys, in the sun hopefully. come on scotland you can do it!

>>> have a lovely weekend everyone <<<

superhero vs villain

okay so if this kid wasn't so much fun right now in the daytime, this post woud have read 'baby for sale....hell baby for free...no returns' ;)

yes what we have here folks is a superhero by day, a villain by night. the sleep crawling/sitting/standing is getting tired. tired now there is a word. 

i was so tired on monday night that when i heard caleb cry for what felt like the 100th time i got out of our bed and rushed through the hall in the dark when i felt something hit my knees. i looked down to find caleb there who then starting laughing. good god, he had climbed out his cot!!!

he then proceeded to stand up and walk, yes WALK over to me.

so that is why this has been happening...he's been on the cusp of walking. it all makes sense now!

but now i have a dilemma, i can't put him back in his cot because he can climb out and i don't want him to hurt himself. no other option but into my bed it is and asleep we go. i am then awoke again by his crying. i turn over to soothe him. where is he? he's not in the bed? i can hear him but i can't see him. where is he? panic literally took over my entire body.

then i really came to, i had been DREAMING. 

i don't have a walking son who can scale his cot like an olympic high jumper. i do however have a crying son, who'd probably been crying the whole time i was having that crazy dream.

so like i was saying...baby for sale? anyone? i've really sold it hey!

lets just say dragging my tired ass out of bed has been a struggle, but then i'm met with the biggest smile. boy does he know how to make you feel better, and then the fun begins. he is so playful at the moment. loving hide and seek, sharing his toys and making his tired mama laugh. he particularly cracked me up when he decided i was taking too long peeling his satsuma so just launched the whole thing into his mouth. shuddered at the bitterness of the peel but then continued to suck the juice quite happily. satsuma eating, caleb style.

well that's my superhero enjoying a nap just now (moi jealous? nooooo) i seriously wish i could nap right now but i've consumed so much caffeine in such a short space of time i'll be lucky if i sleep tonight.

time to get busy with my day, first things first, concealer. damn you eye bags.

we're going to the zoo zoo zoo

okay i would love to take credit for this idea, but i cannot. mainly as my friend rhona may see this post ;)

i met and stayed friends with four cracking ladies from my antenatal group, these ladies need a post all of their own as a proper introduction. watching our boys grow together this past year (yes there must have been testosterone mixed into our local water supply) has been nothing short of amazing.

when the big 'one' birthdays were looming we discussed birthday gifts and we were all feeling overwhelmed by how many toys they already had. seriously it sometimes feels like plastic city over here! so all being at a bit of a loss what to get them, it was rhona who said for brodie's birthday they were going to buy a year family pass to the edinburgh zoo. all of us were sold. rhona really should have got her pass for free through commission.

so last tuesday when the sun was shining,  there was only one thing for it....a trip to the zoo with carly and joe.

now the beauty of having the pass meant we didn't have to run about like crazed people on a mission to see everything. so first stop was lunch, were the boys entertained us..

 caleb with his 'my mum starves me so i eat the table' trick

and joe with THIS face. this is joe mimicking (probably more like mocking - oh you silly big people) us when  we laugh

 gorgeous boy :)

with lunch done it was time to meet the giant pandas!

the boys waiting patiently. though caleb does look like he's hatching his escape

 i think it is fair to say us two grown ups were more excited about seeing the pandas.

 the female panda, tian tian was chilling while the male panda, yang guang was sleeping in a somewhat compromising position, not exactly camera ready shall we say ;) hence no photo

it was amazing getting to learn more about these beautiful creatures. carly and i were mesmerised while the boys were more interested in the school kids in their hi viz jackets.

tian tian has just recently been artificially inseminated as the natural way was a total no go. it turns out tian tian likes to play hard to get, which isn't ideal for a lady who's only fertile 2-4 days a year.

the zoo might not know until as late as september whether she is pregnant, and if she is, she'll decide whether she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy and if not she'll abort the foetus. crazy hey. i now finally understand the big fuss in getting these beauties to breed.

next up was one of my personal favourites

the penguins :) cutest, smelliest guys going

 the zoo is actually on a hillside so you get the most amazing views of the city. we didn't brave the top that day as we didn't have time but that walk is certainly going to be my new work out

 i actually thought this was real, oh dear.

with not even half of the zoo done it was time to head back for dinner. it was great watching the boys faces, they took it all in their stride and joe was in point heaven, pointing out all the animals :) i think this is going to be where we spend most of our summer...nothing quite like getting  your monies worth!

* i'd like to point out this post has taken me the best part of tonight to do, as since putting caleb down he has already been up five times with his sleep sitting/standing/crawling or whatever the hell it is. i really hope this is going be a short lived phase. our frazzled, sleep deprived brains prays at least that it is.